what is wrong with me and why cant anything make it stop

Today is my first day back to work.  Wish me luck.  I'm terrified.  My brain is still like swiss cheese and I can't remember anything for the life'a me.  This should be interesting.  Oh, and I have to work an extra hour and a half every day this week, plus I'm working on Thanksgiving. 

Ok here is a picture of my gnarly bruise for your enjoyment. This badboy landed me in the substance abuse group today too.

Well I wanted to post to let the world know that I made it through ECT today. My bruised back is giving me a lot of trouble today but I'm still upright and kickin'. I wanted to take a picture of the gnarly bruise but I couldn't find my camera. Oh Well. I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and for all of your concern. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm going through a VERY tough time right now and all of the support from the people around me is a great help.

I had phone calls from my doctor and nurse today. I didn't go to day hospital as I usually do on my non-ECT days so they called to check on me. They also wanted to check on me because I told my ECT doc that I had a little overdose of pills on Sunday night which resulted in me falling down and getting all bruised up. They weren't too happy about that. I have felt bizarre ever since then, like I'm not me. I've even been debating today whether or not it would be a good idea for me to go check myself into hospital inpatient. I don't really know if I'm safe at home alone but I don't really know what else to do. I'm just doing my best to sit on the sofa and stay away from all of the booze and pills in the house. Lumpy said something to me about doing what I feel is right. I took that as "go ahead and off yourself if you think that's what you want" but I'm not quite sure that's what he meant. Who knows. I'm just sitting back, observing the world, trying to figure out where my place is in it. Nothing even feels real anymore. I don't know where to go, or what to do. Why do things keep getting harder instead of easier.

Well I guess you could say that the cumulative effect of memory loss is catching up with me. Today, I'm not even sure what day it is. I vaguely remember the weekend. I don't know what I've been doing this month, I don't remember how long I've been gone from work, or even what my job was. I'm starting to wonder if the solution is worse than the cure. I'm on the verge of giving up.

I'm a little short on rent.. about.. $600 short. So if anyone can help out, The help would be greatly appreciated. I'm back in the hospital again and not earning a paycheck. We're not keeping up with just Lumpy's paychecks. Anything that anyone can help with is more than I expect and would be happy about.

Woke up crying.. didn't get much done today... now I'm at work and having another melt down. I give up.

Well, today is my second day back at work. I am working half days this week and next week it's back to my 8 hour days. They have moved my shift from up at the hospital in Baltimore, down to Columbia. It has added an extra 30 minutes of driving. Driving alone for long periods can be bad for me. When I'm in one of my moods, all I can think about is ways to drive my car off a bridge or something. Please note, this is not where I am mentally right now so don't panic. It's just something I've realized as I was driving to work yesterday and today. I did have a bit of a breakdown before I came in today. I was in the shower getting ready to come in and just started crying for no apparent reason. I felt like I was going to die of panic if I left the house. Well I didn't die, and I did leave the house. It wasn't fun though. Being at work is very difficult. I'm not even sure how to describe these feelings. Luckily, I'm still alone for most of my shift. Everyone leaves by around 5PM. I really wish I didn't have to work. I just don't have any hobbies I can do from home that would make me money and I just can't afford to not bring in a paycheck. My job is easy, so it's not a matter of finding something less stressful. Just being out of the house and having any demands on me is more mentally taxing than I can possibly describe. You would think that with all the new meds, I wouldn't be feeling like this any more. Oh well. Whatever.
On a totally unrelated note, I've been working a bit on my website so there's a possibility I'll be abandoning LiveJournal. Maybe I will cross post? Don't know how ambitious I can really be but I know people hate not being able to just look at the friends list to see what's up with people.

Ok, yea thats it for now. Back to work

That meme taken from everyone...


1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
A cheesy Sci-Fi original movie, or something from the BBC

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
Blue Cheese

3. What's one food he doesn't like?
Lima Beans

4. You go out to the bar. What does he order?
Beer (Guinness if we're not at DuClaw)

5. Where did he go to high school?
erm.. um.. North... something?  I fail at this question.

6. What size shoe does he wear?
10.5 - 11 (depends on the shoe, but his Medieval Mocs are 10)

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
D&D Books

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
Totally depends on where it's from.  Anything MEATY with no lettuce

9. What would this person eat every day if he could?
tater' chips

10. What is his favourite cereal?
frosted mini wheats (no milk)

11. What would he never wear?
anything pink

12. What is his favourite sports team?
The Raiders

13. Who will he vote for?
McCain

14. Who is his best friend?
Calvin

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
cry? ok no thats unrealistic.. he hates it when I ask "is everything ok?" or anything else similar over and over again

16. How many states has he lived in?
one

17. What is his heritage?
German

18. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
hmmm...cheesecake or pound cake (he's not a huge fan of cake, he'd rather have brownies)

19. Did he play sports in high school?
no

20. What could he spend hours doing?
sooooooo many things!  I'll have to say coding websites

I am sunburned. My feet are killing me. I am obscenely tired. And, the man falling asleep next to me (or passing out from painkillers) is running a fever. He should have stayed home. I should have stayed home to make him stay with me. I don't know what else to do to take care of him. I have taken his temp every half hour for the last 3 hours. He is either delirious or just loopy from the painkillers because he makes no sense when he talks. End of my rope? I'm there.

Im watching the Olympics opening ceremony and I keep thinking "Wow! That's so neat! How are they going to top THAT?!" And then.. they do!  I don't think I've watched an Olympics opening ceremony since I was a kid but tonight has been a sofa night for me and I figured I'd check it out.  I can't even explain how crazy amazing the levels they have gone to for this show.  Just dayum

So much in my head to say.. I don't think anyone cares about my angst.  Usually I just keep it all in, try to let it go.. I'm feeling like I should release my angst into the universe now for no real reason.
( Updates and what-not )

So, that's where I am right now.  Who knows where I'm going next.

Week number two of no work for me.  My psych appointment got delayed another week so right now, I can't even be cleared to go back until after the 8th.  I don't qualify for disability until I've been absent for 30 days so right now I'm using up all my sick, vacation, and personal days.. and then asking others to donate days to me.  Oh joy of joys.  Isn't it great when you're so obscenely stressed that you cant work and then on top of that you have extra stress because you're not working?  I'm finding that everything in life is just one giant catch 22.  I'm eternally damned if I do, and yea, if I don't too.
Oh, and I broke our new blender tonight.  I am so awesome I can hardly stand it.

I couldn't handle it.. all that hair.. It has been chopped! No shaved head this time, but its super short again. It feels good and so far I'm happy. Color will be next. I can't wait to hear what all the people managing my mental health are going to say about this.

The amusing flash game of the day.. Gates vs. Jobs in a duel to the death!

Well.. I guess it was only a matter of time.  I stopped taking my meds back in May because I didn't like what they were doing to me.  I also don't like the idea of having to take them every day for the rest of my life.  I guess I really need to come to terms with this idea though because I've gone downhill and now I'm off work pending an evaluation and treatment.  I had to call the emergency EAP counselor on Thursday night at work because I was sort of freaking out or having a panick attack or something.  The woman who evaluated me today said "your paper says you are OFF duty.. but we didnt know for how long, so we left it open ended."  Basicaly, I can't go back to work until they can prove tht I will be able to function at my job.  I have to burn all of my sick, vacation, and personal time in order to get paid something while I'm off.  I can look into short term disability but don't know if that applies until after you're gone for 30 days.  Who knows.  Right now I just want the people in charge to tell me what to do so that I don't have to think.  I'm glad I have some time off.. maybe it will help.  I don't know if I could take losing another job (lost my last one in a very similar situation).

I'm feeling so off.  Everything at work is sucky - it's too hard to readjust to switching shifts.  Stuff is missing from my PC.  One of the techs in the room wants me to install and configure a proxy for him (why he cant manage this on his own, when he is a PC tech, I don't know).  I didn't want to get out of bed today.  I wish I had a magic teleporter machine so I could zap away to somewhere snowy and quiet.

-Working day shift this week to do training on new accounts.  I haven't made them since I worked day shift a year or so ago.  It's annoying.  The people are annoying.  Being awake during these hours is horrific. The computer they sat me at is FUBAR (and half of the apps I needed were missing).  The keyboard was a biohazard, full of fuzzy sticky nastiness.

-The man brought home the bacon last night (literally!).  It felt good to talk about how our work days were as we drove home after I picked him up.

-It's amazing how much my mood is affected by sleep (or lack of sleep).  I got a Mountain Dew to drink with lunch.  I should have bought it much earlier because I'm actually working swiftly now.

-I have an owie tooth that I'm getting worked on next week.  I found a dentist who would give me good meds.  Yay for good meds.  Boo for getting food stuck in the giant hole in my tooth every time I eat though.

-Speaking of good meds, the pharm companies need to make some happy pills (anti-depressants)  that work as well as benzos and opiates, but don't have all the nasty addiction/side effect stuff.  Percocet really mellows me out.